Man I was before
by Secular faith
Summary: After disappearing from Sunnydale for three years, Xander finally returns in the midist of an apocalypse to face his so called friends.
1. Prologue

Prologue  
  
Subsistence is all that has been; all that will flourish and subside in the layers of memoirs infecting his psyche consistently. These so called recollections of the past screening prolifically upon the backs of his eyelids in illumination of shadow and hue; shades anecdotal. Scenes of grotesque horror and gore lingering around him, cursing him for all he has done-and all he will do.  
  
So now as he rest inertly against the scape of a battered mattress, sheets discolored and blemished with signs of past use, use he really didn't want to go into detail about. His throat revolted and strained while tears ran swift from his jaded sockets-another night he was left disturbed, always woken up by the resonance of his own rasp screams filling the air around him. He would never be in solitaire, because she refuses to let him crawl into a hole and waste away. She wanted payback.  
  
One lie. That's all it took to obliterate two years of friendship and warrant a beating that left him close to being paralyzed for life. One lie.  
  
He shook his head frivolously at the thought as he rose into a sitting position, shaded orbs darkening vaguely as he gazed around the room left in disarray. One more night before he returned back to a place he hasn't seen in years-back to the place where he died and was left an emotionless shell, hollow within. He was so not looking forward to what he had to do.  
  
He had kept in contact with Giles in the midst of his absent-the only one who believed he did the right thing and stood by his side while the others scampered off and hid behind the sanctimonious slayer, believing everything she said without even giving him a chance to defend his actions. Not that he had too. His actions were unmistakably right and conscious and he would not express regret for them. Never. So with little keeping him tied to Sunnydale, he left. Told no-one but Giles where he could be reached and just left-doubt anyone really cared anyway.  
  
But after receiving a call from Giles that everyone was in peril and his assist was needed indefinitely-He was on his way back. Outside the town limits actually, not able to enter just yet. He needed one more night. One more night to gather himself before going back to face them all-to face her.  
  
And all the while he listened to the namelessly voices in his head that were telling him this will only end horrifically. 


	2. Sinned

Now bless me father for I have sinned But it's the same old story again and again  
  
His pace was sluggish as his boots hit the darkened pavement beneath him, the lone sound ringing in his ears as if threatening to consume him whole. He had decided to hoof it and leave the car lifelessly in front of the motel, he would take as much time as he could getting to where he was going- where he was dreading. He had received a call earlier from Giles telling him they were meeting in a shop called the magic box. A Scooby meeting. It tugged faintly on the strings in his heart as the images of past meetings flushed through his head before he recklessly tossed them aside in attempt to keep the tears at bay.  
  
Shaded orbs gazed pointlessly over the haunting scape around him as he continued onward on his path along side a random Sunnydale street that was currently abandoned except for an elderly man sitting on a bench with a sad nostalgic expression gracing his gnarled features. He really could relate.  
  
The first few months that came after his departure were the hardest. He missed his friends and thought about just giving in every once and awhile but then anger and bitterness rose up in him and he fought onwards. He wouldn't give them the satisfaction he assumed they would have if word of his death got back-no they would not get any.  
  
Chilled hands came to rest deeply in the depths of his pockets, form slowly moving towards the shop as a tattered sigh expelled in a light breath from the confines hidden behind his tiers which had become slightly chapped from the breeze flowing past. He never thought he would miss Sunnydale, the hellmouth . . . But he did.  
  
After a few minutes of painfully slow steps, he finally arrived outside the shops door. Tired orbs glistering somewhat at the sight that unfolded before him. Willow and a nameless blond were researching at a table and by the looks of it-they were very close. Not that it was any of his business. Giles and Dawn were doing the same at the counter and by god. Dawn had grown up into a very beautiful young lady that he always knew she would be. His gaze slowly shifted and found a certain blond slayer and a souled vampire cuddled up on the couch. Still making goo-goo eyes at one and another he thought, his head shaking slightly. Anger balled up in the pit of his stomach as he watched them. He had no vendetta with Angel, like he said, he did what he had to against Angelus, and he stood by his decision. . And it earned him a beating from a person he had trusted with his life. A person who almost took it in the end.  
  
And then his shaded orbs set upon a lone brunette in the corner, reading through an old dusty book. Cordelia. The one who broke his heart on Valentines Day and then took Buffy's side when all of the shit had gone down. But still . . . She was as stunning as ever.  
  
He took in a deep breath as his shaky hand gripped the door knob. It was now or never. 


	3. More or less

I needed you more, when you wanted us less.  
  
Over the time that had passed she would find her thoughts more often drifting to Xander wondering how he was doing. After all, he had left on a bad note. Buffy wasn't wrong - she honestly believed that. If only she could have bought more time, then Angel wouldn't have had to go to Hell and no one else would have had to get hurt. If Xander had just delivered the message she'd trusted him with, only to find he let his personal feelings towards the vampire interfere with what he should have known was right. Okay, so she had been a little angry to begin with, prompting her to stand firmly by her blonde haired slayer pal when she had stood up to him. Maybe a little less violent course could have been taken, I mean, harsh words could have worked well too. She was all for the calling of names in all its badness and it could get just as ugly without causing permanent damage.  
  
Still, at this point and time guilt played the prominent role in the whole situation concerning Xander and Buffy. If only she hadn't have gotten hurt, she could have told Buffy herself. Or she could have done the spell faster and saved everyone the trouble, if she wasn't too busy fighting passing out. Apparently her inner thoughts had left her paralyzed on the outside too as she felt Tara's hand latch softly on to hers, her soothing voice questioning if she was alright. Brows furrowed as she broke out of her trance like state and peered over at her lover.  
  
"Yeah. Totally okay. Complete okayness here. It's just - "  
  
She knew Tara could always see through her facades, so she didn't bother to hide them from her anymore. She was like her girlfriend and her best friend, what with Xander gone most of the time and Buffy spending alone time with Angel, which she understood. No resentment here, just, things were different now. Everything was. Resituating herself in her seat as naturally pink tinted tiers parted to speak, one hand lifting and tucking a lock of fiery red hair behind her ear, but would come to a close when the small bell over the door sounded someone's arrival. It wasn't seconds before emerald osculates adverted and settled on Xander who looked . . . better. Physically. He looked a little down though. Well, duh. He'd been betrayed by all of them and no one seemed to care. Biting down gently on her bottom tier as Giles would welcome him and then a long silence would fall across the room. Standing slowly, palms pressing together in front of her as she forced a small smile across her face.  
  
"Hey. Um, we could really use your help. Looks like something's big coming, and we're not talking in the 'I come in peace' kinda way."  
  
Her attempt to start fresh, keep the mood light although it was anything but. Realizing her attempt failed miserably she would sit, offering a small frown as Tara gave her a gentle pat on the shoulder and Giles once more started speaking to fill in the gaps and preventing any further awkward moments. Hues dropping to the fine print of the text in front of her she'd been searching through only to find she'd lost her concentration. A barely audible sigh was emitted as she reached for another random book and started flipping aimlessly through ignoring Tara's concerned glances and for once blocking out Giles endless babbling. 


End file.
